Falling Unconsciously
by AHigherOctave
Summary: Do you think it’s easier falling if you don’t know you’re doing it? Can you really miss what you never had?
1. Deep Inside of You

When he found her she was sitting on the floor of her kitchen, leaned against the dresser with the chipped white paint they kept the microwave on. She was staring down at her palms, rubbing her ring finger on the left hand. She didn't seem to notice he was there. He gulped usually she didn't even look up at him. She'd start talking at him about what they we doing that day, a fight she'd gotten into with her mother, how late he was…

"Lilly," He said cautiously from where he stood. The last time she'd looked like this it had meant her father had left. "Are you getting up?"

"No," She stated simply, not looking at him still. "I'm thinking."

He tentatively crossed the five steps or so between where he was at the edge of the kitchen and where she sat. Now he stood right above her, looking down at her blond head. Her hair was parted down the middle in the curly way she'd been wearing it lately. It had been Miley's idea.

"Did the Zack ass propose to your mom?" She shook her head, still not looking at him. He sighed, sliding down across from her against the island. "What then?"

She bit her thumb nail, a classic sign of Lilly nervousness if there was one. "You don't want to know." She told him.

This wasn't true. On the contrary, Oliver just wanted to know more now than ever. "How do you know what I want?"

She glared at him, finally locking eyes with him. "I know exactly what you want," She spat at him, and he regretted sitting down. "You want Joanie to let you feel her up. You want your mom to stop being a bitch and let you buy Grand Theft Auto IV even though you aren't seventeen. You want Connor to stop dating Miley because you're sick of pretending their height difference doesn't bother you and it's hard not to cringe when she stoops down to kiss him. And you want to be able to bring your stupid Love Doodle to the Coldplay concert next weekend instead of me even if you're too chicken to ask. And by the way, no, I will not give her my ticket. I was the one who found them on e-bay."

"Jeeze, fine." He crossed his arms across his chest and glowered at her out of the corner of his eye. She didn't seem to care. Already she'd dropped her gaze back to her lap. Faintly he could hear Numb by Linkin Park playing somewhere far off. Probably it was coming from the iPod stereo upstairs in her bedroom. He strained his ears to hear it.

_But I know you were just like me,_

_With someone disappointed in you…_

Joanie hated this song, the other day they'd been in his car and he turned it up. She'd smacked the radio of and told him they both had great parents and they shouldn't listen to trash that insisted otherwise. "Promise you won't laugh."

"I won't laugh," He promised even though he wasn't sure. Still she was quiet though. "I'm not doing Miley's gross spit shake."

"Promise you won't think I'm stupid," She whispered, her voice brittle and almost sad. Like she'd been crying, but her eyes weren't red and she wasn't sniffling.

"I'm the stupid one, remember?" He willed her to laugh so the ache somewhere between his throat and his heart would go away. She didn't.

"Promise you won't hate me," It was the quietest of the three. It was also the craziest.

"Right, Lilly, because it's so likely that I'll start after thirteen years," She looked in his eyes again, and he saw the flicker of something scarily unfamiliar.

_Well no sir,_

_I don't want to be the blame,_

_Not anymore…_

She looked away as the new song filled the speakers. Joanie loved Paramore. Misery Business was her favorite song. She'd dragged him to the concert with her where lots of underdeveloped girls wearing too much eyeliner and an uncomfortable amount of black had sung all the lyrics. He'd hated it, especially Misery Business. He didn't mind Crushcrushcrush on the other hand.

"You love Joanie, right?" She asked, biting her thumbnail again. He nodded, and she must have seen him out of the corner of her eye because she continued, "When did you know?"

"When she first kissed me," It was a lie and he knew it. He hadn't been sure then, he'd been sure when they'd gone bowling with Miley, Connor, Lilly, and her friend, Adam, from photography class. Lilly'd been bowling in the lane next to him and she'd_ accidentally_ let her ball drop onto his foot. Joanie had come over and held his hand. That was when he'd known.

"So you knew right then? It wasn't hard at all? You just _were_?" She looked at the bottom of the counter where it met the floor with an envious expression he assumed was meant for him.

He frowned at her, wrinkling his forehead. "Who are you in love with Lils?" He muttered, staring at her.

"I don't know, that's the problem," Her eyes filled with tears, but they didn't spill. They just stayed there on the rim of her eyelashes making him nervous. "It used to feel smart, you know? Not knowing exactly what love was, it seemed so philosophical and I thought that waiting for it to find me rather than chasing it made me mature and worldly. And then when Jake kept leaving Miley, and we were all alone together. It seemed right, not going after that was only causing her pain."

"You saw how happy she was when they were together though, that glow. You said you wished it was you." She glared at him again. What, was she only going to look at him when she was mad for the rest of her life?

"I lied, Oliver. People lie all the time. I was happy you two were miserable, and you wanna know what? I'm sure it'll make me happy again someday soon because right now you two are happy and you keep forgetting about me. Everyone forgets about me." She pushed herself off the floor and started towards the archway to the den. He barely heard her feet on the stairs. He did hear the song cut off and another one start. It was another one he'd heard a lot recently too. Sometimes it was blasting out of Lilly's headphones while she stared out the window of his Taurus while Joanie babbled shotgun, sometimes she'd hum it while she looked on as Miley and Connor shared their little moments. He could hear her humming in his mind while the first few bars played.

_When we met light was shed,_

_Thoughts free flowed,_

_You said you've got…something,_

_Deep inside of you…_

He closed his eyes as he went up. Considering how clumsy he was it was stupid and dangerous, but he never could listen to it with his eyes open. It blasted something through him, always. The big unknown that made you feel empty and dull, even at your fullest. In the back of his mind, he thought that maybe if he was really full it would only remind him of what he had to be careful not to lose not what he had yet to find rather than what he might be missing. The good thing about this voice was that it was very quiet and easy for Oliver to ignore.

_A wind chime voice sounds,_

_The sway of your hips round rings true,_

_It goes deep inside…of you._

He saw her sitting on a fluffy red blanket on top of her bed from the doorway, just staring. Not at him, at something behind him. He'd never seen the blanket before, it wasn't the usual Jasmine comforter she's had since she was seven and her Beauty and the Beast one had worn out.

_These secret garden beams,_

_Change my life so it seems…_

She started sobbing now, as he came close to her and buried her head in her pillow. He stood, shocked and rooted to the floor next to her bed.

_A fall breeze blows out side,_

_I don't break stride,_

_Thoughts are warm,_

_And they go deep inside of you._

He climbed onto the bed in the small space she leaves next to her, rubbing her back like his mom used to do when he was little.

_Yeah…_

_I never felt alone,_

_Ooo, ooo, 'til I met you,_

"It's not easy, being hollow, you know." She whimpered, turning her head a tiny bit so she was just barely facing him. "Everyone wishes for it, but they don't get it. They don't understand how lucky they are not to be alone."

"We do." He breathed, looking down at this unfamiliar version of his best friend. "We just forget sometimes, like sometimes you must forget to be lonely and tortured. We forget to be happy."

She sat up a little more, peering up at him like she hadn't quite decided something about him yet, his bet being whether or not she should kick him off of her bed. "Do you think it's…?" She shook her head, turning away from him and onto her side to face her overflowing closet. "Never mind."

"What?" His voice came out sounding more childish then it had since he'd hit puberty, and he blushed at his tone.

She glanced at him over her shoulder then scooted over, lying flat on her back. "Do you think it's easier falling if you don't know you're doing it?"

"I guess that the first time is like anything else," He shrugged, "You have less to be afraid of because you don't know what the outcome will be."

She shook her head, "You're aware you're doing it then though. Do you think not knowing, falling unconsciously for someone without ever realizing it, or having them tell you they care about you is easier? That way you can't get rejected…I mean, if you haven't ever kissed someone or anything, can you really miss what you never had?"

He bit his bottom lip, trying to read her. As usual it proved impossible. "I don't know what you want me to say."

"I don't care what you say, I just need to talk to someone about this and Miley would never understand. It's been eating me alive," She groaned, still staring at the ceiling.

"I think it's possible. I don't think it's easier though, Lilly," He paused, rubbing his hands against the soft fabric of the covers. "I think waiting for someone you love unrequitedly to realize it must suck more than anything. To never have the kiss where you know, and to feel that rush, I think it's the worst kind of love there is."

"No, you don't know it's unrequited if you never said anything, do you?" She asked, and he felt himself start to draw blood he was concentrating so hard.

"I guess not, but you also know that if you keep not saying anything they'll find someone else and watching them together will break your heart." His stomach chortled at the memory and he tilted his head towards the stereo, pretending to concentrate on listening again. He couldn't even hear the words anymore, or anything else but his heartbeat inside his ears.

"Who broke you heart, Oliver?" She asked him and he cringed.

"No one," He whispered and felt his hand clasped in hers.

"Isn't lying easier sometimes?" She mumbled and he nodded into her pillow.

"Sometimes, but easy isn't always good," He answered, tracing her fingernail with his thumb.

"This is easy though, isn't it?" She mumbled into his shoulder, "Us, our friendship…It'll never be difficult."

It wasn't a question but he felt the need to answer it anyways. "I hope not." He moved to get up but he felt her hand push down his shoulder.

"Stay with me for a while? I don't want to be alone right now." She'd asked, but they both knew he really didn't have a choice. He nodded anyways, turning over and tucking a piece of her ruined hair behind her ear.

**AN: **Alright, I don't know where the idea for this came from. It's a mixture of something that's been floating in my head for like two weeks now and my iPod stereo blaring in the background. The songs used are, in order: Numb by Linkin Park, That's What You Get by Paramore, and Deep Inside of You by Third Eye Blind. I highly suggest all of them. Deep Inside of You is my favorite though, it made me realize it the first time I fell in love. Entirely too late, mind you, but it did make me see what I'd missed. Tell me if I should continue, or leave as is and go force myself to work on one of my other stories.


	2. What's a Girl to Do

"Ugh!" He heard from next to him, closely followed by the _rrrip _of another piece of lined paper being torn from her notebook and crumpled on the floor.

"You should probably clean them up as you go-" He started but she was already ignoring him.

"I should probably be able to come up with something decent to write too, but I can't," She began stabbing her clean sheet repeatedly with her mechanical pencil. "Miley's so fucking lucky, her dad just _hands_ her perfect songs that are already done. I have to work for six hours straight to get a halfway decent copy of a chapter or a poem, and don't even get me started on short stories!" Her hand flew up into is face as if he'd actually spoken.

"Inspiration shouldn't be this hard." She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, giving him enough time to take in and again be annoyed with the music.

_When you love someone,_

_But the thrill is gone,_

_And your kisses at night,_

_Are replaced by tears,_

"Maybe it's the music," He suggested. No sooner had the words slipped out of his mouth had he regretted saying them.

"It is not the music. The music is the only thing helping me right now. God, the world is-"

_When your dreams are on,_

_A train to train wreck town,_

_Then I ask you now,_

_What's a girl to do?_

"Is unfair, Lilly, I know." He hissed. His head ducked into his hands, so he was staring at the floor. "In a perfect world we wouldn't need writing and art and music to tell people how we felt we'd just understand without hating them for it like we do now when we think we know the truth. In this world though, the only time that ever has the slightest chance of happening is when you're in love."

"Great, let's exclude me from even more in this joy," She groaned, falling back against the couch again, those stupid curls going with her. Her hair didn't even look blond anymore. The stupid holding spray turned it a brown color, barely but it was still there. He missed her, the non-made over Lilly who wore hats all the time and crazy colored streaks in her straw blond hair. He missed the girl who hardly owned a skirt and definitely never wore one with bare legs. He wouldn't tell her though, because then she'd give him the hurt puppy look.

She gave him it anyways, "Do you really feel all that with Joanie?"

_No. _"Yeah," He nodded slowly. Luckily he'd outgrown the lie hiccupping because otherwise Lilly would know way too much for his mental well-being. Sure telling each other everything was fine when they were thirteen and the biggest secret he'd had was his massive crush on Becca Weller, now it was a much bigger deal.

"Oh," She mumbled, her bottom lip sticking out as she stared at her feet on his coffee table. Damn, lying was hard. He was overcome by an overwhelming urge to tell her the truth but he didn't. He just bit the inside of his lip really hard. He'd been doing that a lot lately, so much so that Joanie had commented on the bump there yesterday when they were making out. What was he supposed to say? _"Everything's great, dear, this is just the result of you and everyone else I know driving me slowly insane."_ Yeah, right, that would go over well.

She started scribbling furiously all the sudden and he peeked over shoulder to get a look despite the fact that he knew she hated him doing it. There he saw outlined thickly in her sloppy scrawl, _**Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him!**_

"Hey!" He objected, and she turned toward him with such a vicious expression he sank into the couch hoping to disappear there.

"I'm allowed to be angry and bitter, okay? You're so happy, everybody I know is happy!" She flung the notebook across room and it clattered into the wall. "And as you so blatantly stated the last time you bothered to pretend to care about spending time with me, I probably lost the only chance I'll ever have at real love." He felt like he was going to cry for the first time since he was six, when she'd told him she'd hated him for the first time. He didn't mean it like at all, and he tried to tell her that but his mouth seemed to be stuck.

"I…I…I…" was all he could seem to manage to get out.

"You're an asshole," She spat at him, picking up her backpack from next the couch. "You tell me I'm hopeless and you just parade your perfect relationship in front of me. And then you were going to accuse me of being a bitch for hating you for it." She wrung her hands tightly around the straps on her shoulders as if she was grasping for something to throw at him. She looked down for a second and breathed in harshly, her head flipped up to scrutinize him scathingly again. "I do hate you," She said steadily, and not as loudly. As if the rest of it may or may not be true but this definitely was. "More than anything." And then she was gone and he stood in her living room, surrounded by her scattered papers. He sighed, starting to pick them up. Instead he got the closest crumpled page to him and fell back on his sofa as if he might collapse under the weight of it.

It wasn't like she never told him she hated him, she probably used the phrase more than she used his name. It had always lacked conviction though, whether she was chasing after him with some hard object or simply using it to state the stupidity of something he'd just said. He'd felt her words though, he'd just known. It rang in his the back of his mind again that this had something to do with what they'd been talking about earlier. He couldn't remember how though, so he ignored the little voice again and looked at the paper in front of him. His eyes widened as he read the line in the middle.

_And I know I'm just a friend to you,_

It was him.

**AN: **Wow, I actually didn't expect this from myself. I was letting the music guide me again. I started off not even having Lilly in the chapter but then Oliver's little expression and understanding speech popped into my head and I couldn't have him talking to Miley about it. That and the music is kind of guiding me in this story and I can't find anything suitable in my iTunes library for Miley. Right now I'm thinking either La La Land or Two Worlds Collide (these being basically the only non-alternative pop I own besides Avirl Lavigne. And I think Avirl's too angsty for her. Let me know. The line is from a poem I wrote which will be featured in a later chapter although I'm not sure which one. I'm not sure of much of anything in this story, which is why Oliver is so clueless. I think he even knows more than I do, even if he won't admit it. Song at the beginning is What's a Girl to Do? by Bat for Lashes. It was introduced to me by a breathtaking Ben/Pauline (Rupert Grint/Emma Watson) video on YouTube that I don't have the address for, go search it.


	3. La La Land

**AN: **Thanks to applepips16 who caught a few errors in the last chapter. You rock!

_Who said I can't wear my converse,_

_With a dress?_

_Well baby…that's just me!_

Oliver chuckled to himself as he walked into the house. He tried to picture the girl in question ever pairing a pretty sequined dress with a pair of black hi-tops. When that didn't work he tried low-tops hidden by a long Cinderella-esque dress, even that didn't come to him. So he took the stairs up, two at a time. Her room was seemingly empty and the music seemed to come from nowhere at all.

_Who said I can't be single?_

_And have to go out and mingle?_

_Baby, that's not me!_

He shoved apart the clothes in her closet and knocked on the door. "Lilly!" He heard from the other side. The music stopped, and he saw his friend in his face all of the sudden dressed as her blond persona. "You're not Lilly."

Oliver smirked, despite everything that had happened that last hour. "I hope not, otherwise I have some serious problems."

Miley laughed at him, going over to her mirror and fiddling with her new wavy wig. Her wig was light blond enough to hold the spray without turning brown. It just turned a nice dirty blond color he loves. "Like what?" She asked twirling around as she pulls off one of the heels she's wearing. He stopped admiring her hair, snapping his head up towards her eyes.

"I'd be in love with myself." Something snapped, and the girl turned to look at the shoe in her hand which is now in two pieces. She pulled the other one off, and sat on the chair nearby.

"She told you?" She didn't look at him as she spoke. And he wondered if she felt guilty for not telling him.

"No," He told her. She still didn't look at him. No one wanted to look at him lately. His heart skipped a beat, was she in love with him too? As if responding in denial to his thoughts, her head turned up at that moment.

"So what, you just stopped being oblivious all the sudden? Or did Dad or Jackson figure it out and blab?" He blushed at her opinion of him. He was always the goofy, ditzy best friend. God forbid her could be anything but funny, that he could figure things out for himself. The little voice in his head reminded him that he hadn't, that she'd as good as spelled it out for him. Remembering the crumbled piece of paper in his pocket, he pulled it out.

"What is it?" She mumbled and he realized he was too far across the room for her to read it.

He smoothed it out on his knee and held it up to his eyes. "I feel alone, and I don't really know how to fix it, it's hard for me to acknowledge these simple things that hurt, I've been seen as the '_strong one_' and '_the smart one_' for so long, I feel like I'm lost admitting them. I've stayed like this for a while now, and I think it's time to admit you hurt me more than I realized, I know you didn't mean to, and I know I'm just a friend to you, but you soothe me. I don't know if it's been this way all along because before I really didn't need it, or if it's just that when things started to change, you stayed the same. I could be wrong, it could be anything, but one stupid little joke from you is better than a thousand useless words I could put down on paper, or this revolving door of hopelessness I've been pushed through, and I don't want to wish my loneliness on you, but maybe we could be alone together."

Now Miley got up and grabbed it from him, looking pissed. "That's not how you read it." She looks at it herself.

"How would you know?" He knew it was stupid but this little piece of hope held on. Maybe she was the one who wrote it. She was the amazing songstress. Lilly was just an optimistic amateur. He'd always been there for her before her too, doing his best to scare away any fear she had.

She came over and stood next to him, smelling of something floral yet musky. He didn't know the name for it. It was just the Miley smell. Just like Joanie's hair always smelled like coconuts and her lips always tasted like orange starbursts. And Lilly always smelled like freshly cut apples, the green kind. The fact that he didn't know exactly what she had on though, it made her so mysterious so…

"See how each comma has a spare line between that and the next part? You're supposed to pause, just like in a song…although you probably wouldn't pause in a song for as long."

And then she's gone again, pushing out of the closet and into her real sprawled herself down upon her bed, taking up so much of it he's forced to take the seat by the window. She studied the list, playing with her glossed lips as she did. When she finished, she pulled off the wig and tossed it on the bedside table. "This is actually really good. Daddy could probably make a kick ass song out of it." She glared at him, "Too bad you stole it from her and I can't ask her."

His eye narrowed at her, "I did not _steal _it…she crumpled it up and tossed it on the floor of my living room."

"And you just had to open it up?" The brunette drawled. He snatched the paper out of her hands and looked at it again. The same line caught his attention, _And I know I'm just a friend to you_. If she already thought it, how could he feel so guilty confirming it was true?

Is it true? The little voice in the back of his head asked him. He tried to shove it out but it kept going. After you've had a fight with Joanie do you ever think of going to Miley, who you love, before you crawl through Lilly's window? "No," He said quietly.

"Then why did you?" He glanced up to the bed, where Miley was staring quizzically at him hoisted up on one arm.

"I don't know," He shrugged, and it was the truth. Why was it so easy to be honest with Miley when it was so hard to be honest with Lilly? Maybe because she knows when you're lying even better than you do? The voice asked again.

"You need to talk to her, Oliver," Miley mumbled, moving over onto the ledge next to him and putting a hand on her shoulder.

He looked up into her perfect blue eyes, "I know," He murmured, leaning in. For a second, he could have sworn she would meet him in the middle…and then-

_Hello, hello,_

_I'm at a place called vertigo, (Hola!)_

_It's everything I wish I didn't know, (D__ó__nde est__á__?)_

_Except you give me something,_

_I can feel, feeeel,_

Connor's ringtone rushed through the room and Miley dashed up to get it. He frowned, not only at the interruption but at the sound. Miley hated U2, even more than she hated Avenged Sevenfold. Connor had insisted on changing it when he'd walked into her at the mall while calling and heard "Hot" by Avirl Lavigne blasting throughout Target. And Lilly wondered why she still hadn't told him the Hannah secret.

"Lilly!" Shit, she had just walked into Miley's room. She still looked pissed at him. "Hey," He smiled tentatively.

She wasn't even looking at him though. Instead she stared at the paper clutched tightly in his left hand. He moved it behind his back but it was too late. She'd seen it and he knew he looked too guilty to pass it off as anything else. "Give me that, Oliver," She ordered, being too careful not to look at him.

"What?" He asked, shifting his feet. He could never lie well. God, she probably knew everything else he'd lied about lately too.

"Oliver Oscar Oken!" Her head jerked up at him, and her head jerked up suddenly. Her eyes looked so blue it was scary, they didn't have traces of gray or green like usual they were just blue. "If you don't give that to me, I swear on my life I will rip you to shreds making-"

"Lilly!" Miley hissed, turning in her spot near the bathroom door where she had been gabbing away. She covered the receiver with one hand, "I'm in the middle of something important."

"Well then tell him to hand it over because it's just gonna get louder," She threatened. Her gaze didn't leave his faze and he gulped.

"Come on, Lils, you don't want to kill me," He backed up, hitting his head on the wall behind him. "If you do, who will go skating with you? And make snide comments with you when Miley uses those stupid pet names on guys?"

Her face went completely dark now, rather than just her eyes. Her forehead crinkled and her mouth became a flat line that Oliver had only ever seen her use on Rico. "I'm sure your Love Doodle will be more than competent for that."

"Crayons, Lilly! Remember the crayons!" Her face fell as if he'd slapped her, and his heart sank.

She looked at the ground. Her head shook slowly. Her blond hair had fallen out of the ponytail in little wisps and bobbed up and down around her face. "Were you thinking about crayons when you read that without my permission?"

He opened his mouth, "No, you weren't. You were thinking about yourself." She looked out the window, biting her lip. He could see tears forming at the corners of her eyes again. Why was it that the only thing he was good at was making her so very unhappy?

"It's ironic, isn't it? Every time I think I'm making better choices I always prove myself wrong." She sat down, and Miley clicked off the phone, watching them. He was so painfully aware she was watching them. "You're no better than Jake. At least he knows the way he is, you act all noble. You're all the same though, using me to get to Miley." Shit, Lilly knew. He never considered it a remote possibility with all the time he'd spent with her that she'd figure it out. She knows you better than anyone, the little voice reminded him.

"He's not the same as Jake," Miley whispered, leaning against the wall on the other side of the room.

She glanced over at her, seeming to just realize she was still there then she looked back at his face. "He is though."

"Don't," He pleaded with her, "For me."

She let out a cackle, the most un-Lilly like laugh he'd ever heard, "I've done enough for you, Oliver." She turned back towards her best friend, "Oliver's in love with you, in case you didn't know."

Miley's eyes became roughly the size of saucers, "No, it's not…" Lilly was halfway out the door though. She turned to the boy in question. "You," She said, looking at him expectantly.

"I'm gonna, uh, yeah," He stumbled out of the room, pulling the knob with him as he shut the door. He let out a huge breath when he got out. Then he heard movement behind him, so he did what he was good at. He ran.

**AN:** This is part of what Oliver was holding out on me but I get the feeling that there's definitely still more to come. I hope you don't hate Lilly too much. Let's think about what she's going through for a minute before you blame her. I mean, how many of you have trusted someone completely and had them go betray your confidence like that? I mean, not only did he read a poem he was never supposed to see, but he also went and gave it to Miley. Not to mention, how long do you think Lilly was watching from the door? I think she at least saw their almost kiss. And that hurts, trust me. So the songs in this one are La La Land by Demi Lovato and Vertigo by U2. The next chapter will be more Lilly-centric, if you have any songs you think would go well with her angst let me know.


	4. Near to You

It was easier to leave then to look her friends in the face. She'd all but thrown her feelings for Oliver in his face, and this was what he had thrown back. It had to make it right, didn't it? Unfortunately, she was also aware that she had a tendency to be a better, more honest person than her friends at most times…which was probably why she felt so guilty.

As she reached the beach she couldn't stop shaking. Shaking was better than crying, she reminded herself. She'd been doing so much of that lately it was unfair. She hated tears and red cheeks and the way her eyes got all red rimmed and scarily turquoise when she looked at herself in the mirror afterwards. She didn't like looking in the mirror at all lately, really. She was never happy with what she saw.

So shaking, she sat down in the middle of the sand and stuffed her trembling hands into either side of the pocket in the middle of her hoodie, fumbling for it. She felt her cell phone first which was still vibrating with calls, probably from Miley since she'd so clearly scared Oliver away for the rest of eternity. She squelched the urge to throw it deep into the ocean and kept digging, past her wallet, her checkbook, and her lip gloss until she found it. She felt the cool glass in her skin as she slid it out of its case and clasped her hand tighter to it. She stuck her earphones in as it whirred slowly to life and willed it not to finally die now. The screen lit up and she saw the Apple symbol flash in front of her face before it changed to the main menu. She scrolled down the list and clicked "Shuffle songs".

To her surprise, a slow song started beating through her ears. Lilly Truscott didn't own many slow songs. They were more of a Miley thing. She preferred angry punk bands and alternative or indie rock that proclaimed they were better off without their lost lover. So when she recognized the opening five seconds later, she wasn't shocked to find it was an obscure artist that her brunette counterpart never would have thought to listen to. It was a shame too, because this song would have fit her life perfectly and to Lilly it was a calling unanswered.

_He and I,_

_Had something beautiful,_

_But so dysfunctional,_

_It couldn't last._

_I loved him so,_

_But I let him go,_

'_Cause I knew he'd never love me back,_

This song had always reminded her of Miley and Jake. Maybe that was what made the water works start, that everything reminded her of not herself but her best friend. Lilly didn't have love like this. Lilly didn't have love at all. She had a best friend she was murderously jealous of and another that she wanted almost as much as she hated him. Maybe it was for another reason though, she'd finally learned to love and she'd had it taken away from her. She kind of reminded herself of Beauty and the Beast. Belle had always been her Disney princess, she was smart and determined to take care of herself just like she was. And when she fell in love, she didn't do it willingly. She only admitted it when it was threatened. In fact, she still hadn't really admitted to him that she loved him so much as he invaded her privacy and found out himself. The thing that separated her from Belle though, wasn't that she lacked the dark hair and eyes and didn't live in France, it was that unlike the beast Oliver didn't seem willing to fall in love with her once she let her guard down. He didn't seem willing to fall in love with her at all.

_Such pain as this shouldn't have to be experienced,_

_I'm still reeling from the loss,_

_Still a little bit delirious,_

_Yeah, yeah,_

Acknowledgment had always meant heartache in her life. When she acknowledged that her father's new girlfriend was in fact the reason her parents' marriage had crumbled, she'd been unable to stop crying until Oliver had told her if she didn't get out of bed he would throw her skateboard in his fireplace. Six months ago she'd just started to warm up to the idea that everyone else might be right about the fact that she and Oliver should be together and he'd fallen for her worst enemy. Now she acknowledged, against her own will, that he was in love with Miley. And knowing that girl's stupid sense of romanticism, she'd find some way to love him back even if she never would the way Lilly did. No life wasn't fair at all.

_Near to you,_

_I am healing,_

_But it's taking so long,_

_And though he's gone,_

_And you are wonderful,_

_It's hard to move on,_

_Yeah, I'm better near to you._

And now the song was about stupid Oliver and perfect Miley instead of Miley and Jake. Stupid, stupid, stupid Oliver-

"Lilly," She pulled the headphones out immediately and sat on them, trying to dry her eyes. She didn't recognize the voice behind her but it was a bad idea not to be prepared for the worst. "Lilly, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," She lied, lying was easy once you got used to it. It kind of became like peanut butter, she didn't like it but it wasn't horrible to swallow either.

"No, you're not," The voice behind her said. Then it came into view, it was Sarah.

"Oh god," She laughed, and somehow she started crying again. She was so pathetic that Saint Sarah was taking her in as one of the needy. So very, very pathetic.

"What's wrong?" She asked soothingly, sitting down next to her.

"Nothing," Lilly mumbled into her hands. _Go away, _She pleaded mentally. _Please, please go away_.

She didn't. "Come on, Lilly," She put an arm around her. "We're friends, aren't we?"

For some reason, even though she didn't really believe this she collapsed into her shoulder. The prospect of crying to Sarah seeming a lot more welcoming than letting Miley lead her into something like what had just happened again with rotten advice. "Oliver," She sobbed.

"Oh that," The frizzy curled girl smiled, sobering her up.

"W-what?" She stuttered, sniffling.

"Oh, was it a secret?" Sarah asked, and she slapped the knowing grin off her face. "What? Oliver?" She gasped, covering her mouth with a hand. Lilly laughed, she'd never realized Sarah could be funny on purpose. The fish incident and the flour child had all seemed accidental. "I'm sorry. I just always thought it was kind of obvious."

She nodded, wiping at her face again. "I guess maybe it's one of those 'everyone but us' deals. Well, everyone but him."

"He thinks he's in love with Joanie," Sarah supplied, scrunching up her face. "Although I don't see how, she's so…"

"Evil?" Lilly snorted and they giggled together.

"Aren't you two pretty chummy now?" Lilly snorted again, okay so Sarah definitely still needed some work. Sure she was nice, but chummy, what were they? Fifty?

"Well…she's tolerable, for Oliver."

Sarah smiled knowingly at her again. "What happened to make you storm out of Miley's though?"

She snapped her head at her, "How do you know that?"

"Well, it's partly the fact that I doubt you'd be this upset over Joanie, and partly that I saw you storming across the sand right in front of her house." Lilly chuckled again, falling back against the warm grains of sand.

"He's trying to convince himself he's in love with Joanie, but it's Miley." She groaned loudly, "It's always Miley. What am I, invisible?"

"Are you trying to be?" The girl sitting next to her asked.

Lilly blinked, propping herself up on her elbow a bit, "What?"

"Do you want to be?" She repeated calmly.

"No, I want to be loved back, if I'm invisible…what's keeping them from being…from-"

"From loving each other?" Sarah supplied and Lilly's heart sank. Was she really being that selfish? "I think you need to talk to Miley," She whispered.

"And tell her what? I want her to be unhappy so she can break Oliver's heart so I'll have a chance?" Her stomach gurgled unsettlingly like it was mad at her. She didn't blame it.

"No," She felt a hand on her shoulder. "To see if she actually needs him to be happy, because if she doesn't you're wasting your time."

She nodded, "Thanks."

"Anytime."

**AN: **Major filler chapter, I know. I needed this to happen to set the scene for the next chapter. Oliver's mind is still sealed like a zip-lock bag to me, however, I now have Miley. And I like where she's leading me right now. Song in this chapter is Near to You by A Fine Frenzy. Not my favorite song in the world right now, mostly because of the two boys it reminds me of, but I needed Lilly to cry. And it was either this or Billy Joel, and, knowing me, I'm gonna need him later.


	5. Tomorrow

**AN: **This story is part of Five Times Friday. To learn more about FTF go to the lj link in my profile, or just ask.

It's easy to fall in love, even when it's not. I guess I'm being kind of confusing. Last week I had a huge blowout with my best friend, Lilly, over our cute-like-a-puppy guy friend, Oliver. Now I like Oliver as much as the next girl, he can actually be pretty funny when he isn't loaded up on chili dogs…or cheese jerky…or nachos. Well, I think you see my point. Oliver is just my friend guy, not my one true love guy. Apparently he doesn't think of it the same way. He thinks I'm his soul mate, which is laughable because when I first met him he made me cry.

It was Lilly who forced us together. Lilly who was instantly drawn to him in preschool because he had a stupid 64-pack of Crayolas…with the sharpener as she often says in her defense. Lilly who he was so amazed by he forced her to hold his hand if she wanted his Mac and cheese colored scribbler. And she did. So the natural conclusion to jump to, if any, is that _she _would be his soul mate, especially due to his pension for blonds. Oliver has always been a little romance retarded though, Lilly and I had to hold his hand (not literally, I've never touched his hands) all the way through his first crush and we are now the ones who keep his relationship with Joanie "Wart on a big monkey butt" Palumbo running smoothly. Although in the past three months Lilly's shown less and less interest in it.

Yesterday Lilly came into my house, dressed as her alter ego Lola in a very cute plaid punk tutu and a bright red wig, and told me she was sorry, okay? She didn't mean to flip at me she was just sick of being second best in his eyes when it took so long for her to fall for him in the first place. I didn't push it beyond that, but I don't understand her dilemma. Loving someone, becoming attached to someone isn't hard. The hard part is finding someone worthy of those feelings, someone who you can give your heart to and trust not to break it.

I've never been particularly good at picking the people I fall in love with. I've fallen in love with (in chronological order): my childhood friend from Tennessee, Travis, my older brother's best friend, Cooper, a kid who hated my alter ego named Josh, Dex from school who only asked me out once only to have Oliver ruined it, Leslie Jacob Ryan, Teen Bighead and all-around self-involved user, Trey who's parents hated me because they thought I was white trash (he later dumped me when they cut him off, loser), Johnny Collins who was more in love with Hannah than Miley, and most recently, Connor, who is the sweetest one yet even if he's a little on the short side.

Most of these little bumps along the way I've gotten over and it's been fairly easy, Cooper a little more difficult with how much he hung out at my house before he went to private school. There have been two that have stuck. This morning I was unkindly reminded of one…one with a huge ego, and even bigger hair.

I was going to duck out and avoid him, keep on pretending I'd forgotten all about him. Just as I wrapped my scarf around my head (thank god they're in style right now) and started to dig through my purse for a pair of sunglasses he spotted me though. "Miley!" He waved enthusiastically, practically knocking over Amber and Ashley who were drooling all over his feet as usual in his eagerness to come talk to me.

"Jake!" I said back, trying to mask the pain in my voice by plastering a big ol' fake smile on my face. Apparently I've got the America's Sweetheart smile, so I might as well use it when a situation like this presents itself.

"I've missed you so much!" And just like that he threw his arms around me, embracing me in a bear hug. He was so nice and warm, and his hair, although shorter and darker still had a strawberry scent that I could whiff even though I barely reached his shoulder. And then he was pulling away, just barely but I wanted to grab him back and just enjoy it for a little longer. Then I noticed what he was doing, his green eyes boring into mine, the way his head was tilted. He wanted me to kiss him, despite our Just Friends agreement. And I wasn't totally unwilling, to say the least. I leaned in, lips pursed. And then when there was about a fourth of an inch left between our lips I realized what I was really doing. I was _cheating _on my boyfriend, my wonderful, loving, brown-eyed boyfriend.

I pushed Jake away. I started screaming, I stormed-ran down the hall. I got the _hell out_. And when Lilly tried to stop me, I pulled her with me until we were on the sidewalk's curb outside our school while I fiddled with my hobo bag looking for my keys. And let me tell you, giant purses, while being quite cute and fashionable and all, are _not _good for finding the keys to your new hybrid when you're desperately trying to escape the last person you ever expected or wanted to see. "Um, Miley?" She said in her confused voice. "I realize that midterms are stressful and all, but don't you think this is taking it to the extreme?"

"Not at all," I said, except the words were kind of separated somehow when they came out, as id each one was its own statement.

"Shouldn't we at least tell Oliver? Or maybe you should tell Connor?" She suggested gently, putting a hand to my shoulder.

"Tell them what? 'Oh, by the way Connor, I accidentally just almost kissed my ex-boyfriend who I'm semi-worried I might still be in love with in front of our whole class', does that sound like a good opening line?" I blurted out, and slid against the red of my car door feeling like a total idiot. Not only did half the school see me practically playing tonsil hockey with Jake, but the other half's attention was brought directly to it by the fact that I'd told him off so loudly I doubted that there was a soul in California that hadn't heard it. And then I had to go confess it all to Lilly. Why do I always have to go for the dramatic angle?

"Uh, no," She mumbled, sitting down next to me pretzel-style. "I wouldn't start with that."

"What do I start with then?" I asked her.

"Uh, open with a joke?"

I groaned and got back up to unlock my stupid car. "Let's go home and have a movie marathon."

She smiled nervously at me. It's a very signature 'I know I did something that's gonna piss you off or I'm about to' smile. Lilly's famous for it along with guilting people and making amazing Chicken Alfredo. "Actually, Oliver and I have a project due for World History and the poster's in my locker."

"Just text him your combination," God, why did she not realize how badly I'd just screwed up? I could have effectively ruined the only solid relationship I'd had thus far.

She snorted, "And have him tease me about the fact that there's a huge picture of Orlando Bloom with a heart around it sitting on the door for the next month? No way." I looked at her, and she looked back at me. When out eyes met I knew what she was doing, she was waiting for Oliver. Joanie would inevitably break up with him and she wanted to be the first one in proximity when it happened.

"Lilly," I started but she held a hand up.

"I know it's stupid, but I already hurt him enough the other day and I haven't even talked to him about it yet. I might get hurt, yeah, but I'm okay with taking that chance." I felt my gaze soften on her, into a different kind of look I knew she'd hate but it happened anyways. "No. No pity, you're in the middle of a life crisis."

"I can't help it," I pulled her into a hug. "I don't want to watch you get hurt. I can't take that chance."

She pulled away from me, smiling, "I wouldn't look back then. Go drown your sorrows in sappy movies now, Stewart." And she started walking away from me towards the school.

"Be careful, Lilly Bloom," I called after her. Boy did that girl want to get her heartbroken. Been there, done that. Still, as I climbed into the car I felt there was something remarkable about willingly being that vulnerable. Why couldn't I have been like that?

I turned the radio on to be still my racing thoughts a little.

_Yeah, yeah, and I know, I'm not ready,_

_Yeah, yeah, maybe tomorrow,_

I switched the station immediately. Irony's a bitch, isn't it?

**AN:** This was originally slated to be a longer chapter called You're So Vain but I'm adding a couple chapters to my outline because I realized that Miley hasn't yet told Connor her Hannah Secret so I'll have to tweak that before I can do what I planned there. Plus, I need to add in a chapter from both Lilly and Oliver's perspectives in order for the storyline to advance right because without Oliver this story is basically just Miley thinking she's tortured and Lilly actually being tortured. Charmed will be up in a little bit, still need to do the final edit.


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